Now, this isn't an original idea, but one i've believed in for many years: i feel as a society, in order to survive, we've got to chuck our conventional notions of family and create communities.
We threw out the nuclear model of the family about the time the Cleavers went to syndication, but most certainly in the last 25 years it has become painfully obvious that marriage isn't a viable option for us. Not when over half of them officially fail and end in divorce (*roughly, some people say that number is high, but anything over 20% i would think too high, and it certainly is over 20%.). And then how many of those that remain married actually function and aren't a marriage of convenience? I mean look at this: "50% percent of first marriages, 67% of second and 74% of third marriages end in divorce," per the Forest Institute of Professional Psychology. 10% of the US is divorced (2002) which is up from 8% in 1990. There are websites labeled "divorce rate" and "divorce magazine" for chrissake.
Something is not working.
Of course i am the hopeful romantic (in cynic's clothing) and i've shiny examples of workable marriages all around me (The 'rents have had 31 glorious years together & still going strong!). Marriage is tough. Power to the couples that work things out, communicate effectively, choose the battles, compromise and maintain a part of their own individuality, cultivate it and celebrate it in her/his partner. I mean, seriously, y'all rock! Rates be damned.
But is that enough? As geography continues to pull us farther and farther apart, all the while technology brings us TOO CLOSE together, where's the human interaction going to happen? The cost of living, the economy, our environment, our politics, etc. continues to get increasingly scary. The notion of a big family isn't feasible; we seem to be heading towards a sibling-less society raised by single parents, and that's an extremely tough gig. I get marriage just based on having two people to raise a child (or childs, ha!) is better than one, unless the other one is a sh*tbird.
What if we had more than two parents?
We need wolf packs, m' dears. How else are we to make sense of all of this craziness if we don't find others that we can learn from, share and stick together? And no, i'm not proposing hippie communes with partner swapping. I mean creating a space within our groups that is healthy, encouraging and safe for our young ones and our old ones.
That's what a family is supposed to be, but.... yeah, see above.
I also think that is what organized religion is supposed to be (however effed up the politics and the practices might have been/be): it brought together large groups of people into one space. Now, i won't get started on my own beliefs about the failures of religion (another time, perhaps), but in a pure, naive stance, i think it was a fabulous thing. Community bake-offs, carnivals, brunches, lectures, single mixers, study groups, choir, luncheons, summer camps for the kiddies, retreats... I find it hard not to shudder as i list these examples, as i've become jaded by the abuse of power by religious leaders' inexcusable behaviour, brainwashing, wielding religion as fire-and-brimstone and fear, the fast-talking-save-your-soul variety on Sunday morning TV, Scientology where you pay your way [again, don't get me started, but it's hardly the first religion to employ that tactic; although it may be the smarmiest.] for starters. But again, the pure idea of it all is lovely: coming together as a community to interact. What's wrong with that? not a damn thing.
So why not try & create a new model? I say power to the urban family!
Hell, statistics show that we might as well give it a whirl, what's the worse that can happen, we fail? Seems like we already are.
***as a disclaimer, i have to say i'm incredibly lucky to have been bestowed one kick-ass family. i know i'm spoiled in that regard, completely, and i'm forever grateful for it.
2 comments:
I hate computers. I just lost my pinche comment Let's see if I can do this again...
I applaud you for so eloquently stating something so often overlooked in this fast-paced, "more" society that we live in.
As one who came from THE dysfunctional family of families, I have always sought a tribe-like experience. An only child of too-young parents who loudly divorced when I was 7, i've spent the better part of the last 28 years looking for something better and more inclusive. More often optimistic about life, the constant disappointments in this search has left me pessimistic about love and a bit gun-shy about all else.
Traversing the oft-harrowing road of single-motherhood, it is my intention to bring into the fold, people with life-experience appropriately influential to my son. With a father that is everything but healthy and present, i'm willing to do almost anything to shield him from the lonliness of going it alone. Sadly, in my own desperation, I have brought the wrong people into the fold and have had to shut many doors in the process. So, without sounding pathetic, a tribe would be ideal, albeit without ALL of the hippie-trippy stuff (it ain't all bad!).
Interestingly enough, having a grandfather that's a rabbi has made it easier for me to question organized religion, allowing me to come to my own conclusions about it and have my own relationship with G-d/G-ddess/etc. With so many staying married so as not to upset The Church, I beg to ask if those folks know who or what G-d really is. I mean, hell, Jesus hung with the rejects, right? He didn't judge, so why in hell are there so many folks sitting on their pulpits pointing fingers in judgment? Meh. Meh. Meh.
Since family is defined as more then just nuclear, blood-relations, see here: http://www.m-w.com/cgi-bin/dictionary. Let's give Wolf packs a whirl. Ya never know, we may end up with one hell of a kick-ass family in the end!!!
Sorry...that was my own rant, and damn it, it was long and disjointed.
It reminds me of this book I read (damn it, can't remenber the name), a long time ago..... I started reading it thinking it was a work of fiction... Well, it turned out to be a study conducted by UCBerkeley in early 70s..... The book was about community marriage and the benefits of it. Of course their theory was that they should have more men than women in the house - since we demand more attention. One of the benefits of a community marriage was that if one of the parents died, the kids would still have a few others parents remaining and they would not suffer as much.
How about that?!
**I'm still old school about that and I only have one husband ;) Things seem to work just fine for us... Of course it is not an easy task, but some how (and I really don't know how) we manage to make it work!**
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