Gift-Giving Snafu

So, in the spirit of giving, i wanted to send the boyfriend's family a bit of holiday cheer. And so i turned to my favorite purveyors of chocolate and sent a See's Candy holiday tin full of scrumptious chocolate!

I agonized a bit on what to write in the 110 character note. I tried many variations and finally settled on the one you see above, which is an excerpt from my 'confirmation email.'

Upon perusing the confirmation email (something i rarely do), i noticed that i signed the card "Christine Christ." Now, if i had any other name, this wouldn't be such a big deal, but I'm sending a gift to my bf's parents, whom I've never met and i have "CHRIST" on the effing card for their Christmas present. Not good.

I pick-up the phone and call the customer service number. I speak to a lovely lady who calmly listens to me "ijustorderedaboxofchocolates on-linetosendtomyboyfriend's parents whomI'venever met. And there is a typo in the card thatmustbefixed!" She asks for my order number, pulls up the order and reads the card out loud to me and goes: "What would you like to change?"
"Uhm, could you remove "Christ" from my signature?"
"Please hold." chuckle-chuckle.

i hear a shumsh noise, the kind you hear when someone puts the phone to one's body to muffle the sound. After a minute, "So you don't want to be known as Christine Christ?"
"No, no, i do not. May you please remove that last word?"
"Okay, honey, i removed "Christ" from the card."

Gushing thanks, i hang-up. Now, thing is, did she really update my note? i really, really, really hope so.

Merry Christmas, everyone!
Cz

FB: To love and/or to hate?

Ah, FaceBook. A magical place where you can connect to long-lost childhood friends, find fan sites for your favorite garden statuary and be in-sync with a cat photographer (literally a cat who takes pictures). It is also a place where if i was a stalker, it would be rather simple. I am not a stalker, but FB often puts me in a position where i feel like one. For example today's updates so far from a particular FB pal:

-I guess i should get to work, 9:45 am
-At work, waiting on parts, 10:42 am
-Lunch. 11:58 am
-Bejeweled Blitz scores pop-up.

Now, this is fine. This is not how I or the majority of my FB pals use FaceBook (maybe one status update a day, two if something truly rad needs to be shared) and the occasional wall post or email. The thing is, with all these updates/time on one's hands, you would think you could maybe take 2 minutes for some more direct communication? instead of a play-by-play of your movements? i'm just saying...yes, I am having a feeling!

Obviously, i started this post with 'generic' but am so peeved about a more specific case that i feel the need to yitch.

Okay, i think i may feel better, thanks.

Maybe I'm Not a Puffin After All...

...and i can achieve FUP-dom.

And so, i may be penguin material after all, my dearies.

And i have surprised myself in that i'm rather enjoying it... albeit we're still in the, uhm, 'honeymoon' period, so to speak.

Okay, bye-bye.

I'm a PUFFIN!

First of all, i've no idea why this picture is so giant, but it is fitting.

I love all you guys, but i'm a little tired of the FUP statuses most of y'all are touting.

Therefore, i'm declaring myself a puffin --obviously NOT a penguin.

Love ya, mean it.
Cz

These Sandwich Ads Must Be Stopped ~

Okay, i get it that submarine sandwiches are phallic. We got that in 2nd grade. Since Subway's 5-dolla-foot-long campaign has been such a hit [sic], Quiznos is now in on the act, promoting their Tasty Torpedo.

This ad makes me really uncomfortable:
The Oven: "I want you to do something for me."
Scott [the naive sandwich technician]: Looks down at his pants, shakes his head "No, not doing that again, it burned."
Oven: "We both enjoyed that."

WHAT?!?!? overt, much! but wait, it gets better, or rather worse. The Oven continues about his latest invention, the Tasty Torpedo & then bullies Scott to "Put it in me."

Uhm, this ad does not make me want a sandwhich it makes me want to vomit.

Alfie ~

I realized today that music videos can only be found on youtube. How i yearn for the days of MTV when it was mostly about, uhm, music! not effing stupid-ass reality shows, sigh. Yo, MTV Raps! was brilliant. i'm a little confused how they still have the music video awards show, but...

Anyway, enough. So i like this video, but something about it is a bit creepy, a la Sesame Street meets Alice in Wonderland as orchestrated by Miss Lily Allen. Take a watch.

True Story - Part 2

So the Tuesday night, i locked myself out of my bedroom.
Not out of my house, just my bedroom.

When i'm gone for the day, i have to close up the bedrooms, so Jack doesn't terrorize the entire house. On Monday, i got home from Yosemite & wanted to unpack, so i locked Jack outta my bedroom by literally locking the door. that didn't really work & i'm still not unpacked, but that's not this story.

So on Tuesday morning, all rejuvenated from a nice long weekend, i slam the bedroom door & trot to work. Work was a bloody mess, sigh. I get home late, it's raining, at least Jack is happy to see me. I go to get into some comfy-doodles & guess what? i can't get into my bedroom. & the whole thing rushes back to me...

What do i do first? find an old credit card! oh, but the molding of the door doesn't allow me to wedge the card through, nor get the proper leverage.

Paperclip! That will work, the key hole is really just a pin hole & that always works in the movies.
Nope. not working. (by-the-by, Jack is whining to get inside as i do this).

Time for real tools, screwdriver to the rescue!
nope, i need to have the door open in order to pull the door knob out.

My window is open! i'll spare the number of times it took to get to the end point:
By this time it is after 8 pm, so dark-dark out.
It's raining.
I remove the screen & crank open the window all the way.
Get a kitchen chair and put it under the window.
Place a stool on top of the chair.
Climb up and place the metal step-stool inside the room.
Carefully straddle the window (thankful i'm a girl).
Step onto said rusty stepstool & i'm inside!

Momentary panic as i realize i didn't put on all the way the front side of the door knob, but then i test the door & it works! i'm in my bedroom & able to get out.

Jack is thrilled as he jumps on the bed & gives me the "took long enough" look.

This is definitely up there on stupidest things i've done in the Jackson estate, sheesh!

True Story

So i got home EARLY, well, on-time, today! i was in the door by 5:30 pm, so exciting. i say "hi" to puppy, open the back door, kick off my shoes and decide to pee real quick, while i'm on the phone with Mer (the only person i do this to without telling... in fairness, she returned the favor a short while later).

So i'm peeing & Jack tears across the wood floor at puppy-flight-speed & launches into my lap. Fun times, not unusual though (hey, i have a lotta lap!).

EXCEPT.

Jack has poop all over his booty & back haunch. Clarification: Christine now has crap smeared on her jeans, her cardigan & hand. Dilemma. What to do? i need to contain him, 'cept i'm still peeing, on the phone & one hand is now rendered useless. Yes, first thing, hang-up phone. Take off pants & cardigan. Finish, uh, business. Wash hands well while cooing Jack to come back (Thank god i'd not opened my bedroom door, otherwise my bed would've been well soiled.).

I corral the deviant, plop him in the tub. Wash him well, towel him off, keep him in the bathroom to shake-dry while i wash out my clothes, add spray & wash. I trek outside to the garage where my day's outfit & the bathroom linens get plopped into the washing machine.

All this in 14 minutes & i'm back on the phone with Mer, relating the whole thing. Oh, wait, i did put new pants before venturing outside to use the washer (good, Bridgette).

Sigh. So much for putting free time to good use... at least it rendered a semi-amusing story.

April Fool's Day has Origins -

I always wanted a Spaghetti Harvest.

Great article by the Huffington Post on the origins of this, uh, 'holiday'?!? and the best pranks... funny, can we write-off George W. Jr as an April Fool's? probably only if you are suffering from Alzheimer's.

Happy Birthday, Mr. Caterpillar --Don't eat me!

Okay, how much did you love this book? It turned 40 today & it still looks about 4-years-old to me! the idea of content informing form and vice-a-versa, in a children's book no less, was effing genius. yeah, i used the g-word, 'cause really, the simple beauty of this book deserves the compliment. Congratulations, Mr. Carle!

Glad to see that Google loves 'em too!

"Public Transportation"

Oh, my. The Mondrian-fancy-pants-Hotel's take on PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION:

Los Angeles is most easily navigated via car and driver or rental car, both of which may be arranged through the concierge. Call +1 323 848 6051 or e-mail the concierge. Public transportation can be difficult to navigate, so please contact us with any questions. Mondrian is located 2 miles west of the Hollywood/Highland Station of the MTA Red Line. See www.mta.net for more info.

& that's it. i wish it would just cut to the chase and while the track "Nobody Walks in LA" blares it says something like "we don't have no stinking public transportation & even if we did, you're staying at the Mondrian & you shouldn't deign to think you should have anything less than your very own driver."

Amazing. Funny how civilized cities celebrate the public transportation system....

Ahh, well, Friday night was fun. i'd not been to Sky Bar since i was 18. & although i don't think i've been missing out, the city is oh-so-pretty with twinklin' lights. & where else can i drink a $15 martini out of a plastic glass? Love it.

Learning how to beat Army Time!

Okay, so i'm a bit special & i have a hard time knowing what time it is when a 24-hour clock is used. You know what i mean, maybe?

For example:
You park at the mall to have dinner & the first three-hours are free.
After dinner, i wonder "has it been more than 3 hours, so now do i have to go sneak into the movie theater to get validated...?"
Let me check my parking ticket-- oh, goodie, i arrived at 17:47, fantastic.
This is where i begin to count on my effing fingers so i can figure out what hour 17 is so i can finish my math.

But last night, that all changed! i was taught a trick by my bartender [no, no, not that kind of trick, although...]: "You subtract two when the clock reads 13-24 hour & the ones place will give you the hour on a 12-hour clock."

Uhm, can i tell you how happy this makes me!? And it effing works like a charm. 17 minus 2 =15. i got here at 5:47, i definitely need to sneak into the movie theater.

Kitties!!!!

And here i thought i knew who the most kitty-centric folk were... but this young lass has created an entire mini-movie about kittens. Please watch, it's effing-awesome. This kid is my new heroine. (and i mean that only in the sense of the female version of hero).

Happy Friday!

Low-Tech Lent, Anyone?

Wow:

Roman Catholic bishops in Italy are urging the faithful to go on a high-tech fast for Lent, switching off modern appliances from cars to MP3 players....

[They've] called for a ban on text messaging every Friday in Lent, which began last week with Ash Wednesday." It's a small way to remember the importance of concrete and not virtual relationships,"

Okay, so these quotations are what got me to read the article, which i fully expected to support my 'recovering Catholic' status. But if you check-out the full article, it is pretty darn interesting stuff:

Benedict praised social networking sites such as Facebook and MySpace for forging friendships and understanding, but cautioned that online networking could isolate people from real social interaction.

The fact that i'm agreeing with some of this, is kinda crazy. I mean, i don't believe in 'giving something up' for Lent, but the fact that Lent has become a catalyst for the Catholic Church to not only say things like "concrete relationships are important" (here-here!) but to also illustrate that they believe technology is important (!) is mind numbing & pleasantly unexpected. I mean, apparently last month the Pope launched a YouTube channel for the love-of-pete!

Now, i'm not waxing poetic nor trying to give props to an organization that i align with solely because of my upbringing (which is fine & dandy) but not one i actively purport. What i am intrigued about is that a religion that has always, to me at least, seemed stuck in a forever fuddy-duddy age, actually talks about things like text messaging & mp3 players. i can't get over it!

Timing -

Timing is amazing.
Timing is everything.

The good, the bad & the ugly all have to thank or curse timing.

Timing is a fickle mistress that has brought tears of joy --and misery.

I'm very wary of timing; it has my utmost respect.

1st Puppy!

I know, i know. how many more posts can there be about the expected 1st canine? but i think it is so great that they've picked a doggie & come Aprilish the girls will get their pup!

While looking at stuff on the soon-to-be first pup, i came across this super great slideshow by msn on past presidential families & their pets --mostly dogs.

And of course, i'm partial to Nancy Regan [i never thought i'd say that, exactly], her pup is super great! but i'm kinda bias to the breed....

Woof~

Self-help...?

So, after a truly grand weekend; i was recounting tales of near-disaster to S & a suggestion was made, "You should write this down. All of it." Hmm, it has crossed my mind before & other near-and-dears have suggested this before. So today i'm musing about this against the rainy day grey & i'm thinking i could write a different kind of self-help book.

Now, i've never really read a self-help book, except this one, which i didn't know was a self-help book until i started reading it, so it doesn't count. But, i feel like i have a pretty good idea what they present, the format used and hey, they're hoping to help people through encouragement, example & practice. Okay, cool.

So, i was thinking of writing a self-help book, based on my ridiculous & fairly humorous tales that continuously high-light what we learn as NOT to do when it comes to romantic relations, or just plain sha-zamin'. The things were taught not to say, to think, to do... i've kinda done a lot of them & i'm still here, still sane & have learned a lot about myself--and others, so maybe it could help others to share....? i like sharing.

What do you tink? i mean, is this the most outlandish thing to reason or is there perhaps a smidgen of "hey, that could maybe work, crazy."?
Example:

It is 1:30 am, i'm in my car, parked in front of the ATM with the motor running. Suddenly, we've past first kiss territory in a hurry & my eyes are open & i'm in shock. Not to mention that my seatbelt is on & my hands are balled up into clenching fists, tucked under my chin. [Not so idyllic, cinderella]

Flustered and stalling for time i place both hands on the steering wheel and say "Wow. Okay, i'm going to pop out & get some money out of the machine. I'll be right back. Try not to steal my car or anything."

Dashing to the ATM i'm ready to go through the 2-screens that get me my 'fast cash.' Problem is, they've changed the format. I put in my card & it asks me "What language would you like?" I choose English. Next prompt, "You chose English, is that correct?" Two things cross my mind: shit, this is too hard right now & two if i had chosen the wrong language, how the eff would this prompt help me? YES, English. Okay, i have cash. i now have to get back into my vehicle, which hasn't driven itself away.

It's incredibly quiet.
ME: "Hi."
HIM: "Hi."
ME: "How are you?"
HIM: "I'm good, how are you?"
ME: "I'm well."
After this incredibly drawl exchange, more snogging commences, but i'm still obviously distracted.
HIM: "What's wrong?"
ME: "Well, there are cameras."
HIM: "Cameras?"
ME: "Yes, cameras. We're directly outside a bank, there is one there & there. We gotta go."
HIM: "You're paranoid."
I shoot back quickly--too quickly: "No, i'm not. Where should we go?"
HIM: "Well, we could go to my house."
ME: "Hmm, well, i'm trying really hard not to be so easy these days." [Wow.]
Silence
I suggest a drive & we head towards the beach, because it is the only place that i can think of that is safe and if i need to run away, there's lots of room.

Meh? I guess at this point i'd have some sorta commentary on how being myself & saying what was on my mind a) didn't put me in too compromising position and b) allowed me to feel okay with situation, blah, blah, blah. Are you asleep? Is this just a bad diary entry? it's okay, i can take it.

They must be stopped -

You know who i mean, the Duggars, they must be stopped. i can't take it anymore. 18 children? And then your firstborn getting married within the same year as the newest sibling is born, that is just wrong.

The only shining light is that Plan B (the morning-after contraceptive) sponsored the Duggar wedding episode (where the 18-year-old son married a girl he's never done more than hold hands with... and the episode is complete with the father giving honeymoon-suite advice --allegedly, i refused to watch this or any other duggar-manic show.).

Plan B! If only the Duggars actively sponsored such a product... I was thinking of sending the Duggars hate mail; planned-parenthood documentation & contraceptives galore. Okay, enough & good night.

If only Ewoks existed... maybe they do!

Please tell me you were a big fan of the Ewok Adventure Movie?

And of course your answer is "hell yeah!" (you're reading my sheet, for the love of pete!).

Well, it seems Ewoks may be among us, check it out!

Oh, my. While i take offense that Ewoks are referred to as being "lame;" i do admit that a) this dog is ewok-like b) this dog is effing cute and thus c) ewoks are effing cute.

There, i said it. Ewoks are effing cute.

Just say no to cute animals

I really do not use the word "genius" lightly (unlike the rest of our society...); so believe me when i say, this site is genius. The person behind these eleoquent quips of quiet rage combined with a well executed obscenity now and again should get a nobel peace prize.

i mean it. Fuck You, Penguin is the merging of satire, whit and some cute effing animals.

Here is just a taste, this goes with the extremely adorable tiger seen above:

What the hell do you think you are doing, Tiger? You are destroying my ability to function as a responsible member of society what with your extremely rare and yet equally extremely cute little appearance. At this point in life you have two choices: grow the fuck up and dye your hair orange like a NORMAL FUCKING TIGER or just jam a knife into my skull and put an end to my misery. Dammit, Tiger. I literally hate you.

i implore you, check this sh*t out, it will not dissapoint.